Fatigue, stabbing, aches, heat exhaustion, headaches, numbness,
tremors, tingling, loss of the ability to use my limbs, debilitating pain; these are among the
symptoms I have been battling for the past 6 or so years. I have been to many doctors to figure out the
problem. The majority agree that
something is going on with my neurological system. They
also agree that it is probably auto-immune in nature. I have run the gamut of emotions from a deep,
dark depression to difficult-to-express joy and relief. There has been a lot of frustration, many
tears, and a multitude of blessings through this journey. I have gone through periods where the will to
stand and fight is strong and I have strength to slog through the battles of
doctor appointments and tests. I have
gone through periods where I simply couldn’t face another doctor who couldn’t
give me answers and had to give up searching for a while. Fortunately, at this time, I am feeling up to
the challenge, and so the battery of tests begins again.
As I’ve shared my struggles with friends, family, and even
*gasp* on Facebook, I’ve received a great deal of comfort, support, help, and
advice. It is difficult to understand an
unnamed chronic illness, even for the one going through it, so I can only
imagine how puzzling it must be for an outsider looking in. When I first started this journey, I began
with my family practice doctor. He tried
hard to figure out what was wrong with me.
In the end though, he gave up. A
friend I had shared my struggles with suggested a possible diagnosis (Fibromyalgia). After discovering that a number of the
symptoms fit, we took the possibility to my doctor who said, “I guess that’s as
good an explanation as any,” and began treating me for it. I found very little relief from the
treatments and turned to more homeopathic and herbal remedies to find
relief. They helped for a time, until
they turned on me. Who knew you could “OD”
on Malic Acid and cause yourself to become allergic to it? Oh how I miss a ripe juicy apple, apple
juice, and cider!
After a week-long hospital stay and 6 weeks of being able to
keep down solid food, I became leery of herbal remedies and stayed away from
them for a while. That was a dark period
of my life. I was so tired. My thyroid
betrayed me and stopped working correctly.
I gained 30 lbs in 30 days and an additional 20 before we were able to
get it under control. Despite
medications and physical therapy, I was unable to stay awake more than 4-8
hours per day. Many well-meaning friends
tried to help. I was told that I was just
depressed and if I’d just change my attitude and focus on the positive, I’d be
better. It’s true that I was
depressed. However, I was depressed
because I couldn’t get my body to respond the way that I knew it should. It was not a case of my body not responding
that way because of depression. I knew
that if I could heal my body, the depression would be eliminated. I TRIED to be positive. I TRIED to will my body to just get up and
go, and when I did, it got up and failed.
I could make it go for one to two days only to have it crash for one to
two weeks afterward. I would get angry
with my body, telling it that I was the boss here and it WOULD do what I
wanted. Some people said that exercise
was the answer, so I tried that. I often
ended up passing out or tremoring so badly afterward that it terrified my poor
children. My youngest still remembers me
passing out in the shower and having to call daddy to rescue me.
It was at this point that my new family physician sent me to
an RA doctor to have me evaluated for Rheumatoid arthritis. She was a lovely doctor, but had no answers
for me except that Fibromyalgia was not an accurate diagnosis for me and I did
not have RA. She said that my
inflammatory markers were way too high for nothing to be wrong though, so she
sent me to a neurologist. I chose a
neurologist with a short wait time, 3 weeks rather than 3 months. I waited an hour and a half for the doctor to
come in and see me. She spent 10 minutes
in the room with me and said, “…there’s nothing wrong with you that a good
psychiatrist couldn’t cure.” I was
devastated and gave up on finding answers.
Then one day, after a particularly bad workout, I posted on
a mom’s group how badly I was tremoring and how tired I was of it all. One brave mom asked if she could bring some
essential oils over for me to try. At
that point, I was ready to try anything and agreed. She came right away and had me try a certain
oil. My tremoring stopped within 10 minutes.
It was nothing short of a miracle!
I immediately called my husband and told him the good news. It was a significant investment, but he was
so relieved to have something work that he agreed that we should buy these oils
immediately. I began using an oil
protocol suggested for a particular auto immune disease that two doctors
suspected I have. The first two weeks
were rough as my body detoxed and began the healing process. After that, a miraculous change began to take
place. After two years of spending 16-20
hours a day in bed, I was able to get up, be dressed, exercise, play with my
kids, volunteer at school and with our dance academy. I hiked to the T, with a wonderful and patient
friend, with no physical repercussions other than the sheer joy of having
accomplished the feat. As predicted, when my body healed, my depression
subsided. I was active, serving, and
happy.
The past three years have been incredible. I was appointed to the Board of Directors for
our dance academy as a result of my time and efforts there. I worked myself into a job with the
school. In the last year I took up
running and a regular exercise routine that I had not previously been able to
maintain. Weight was coming off slowly
but surely and I lost two pants sizes and 20 lbs. Then, about mid-November I began to have
issues again. I noticed that I was not
able to travel as far in my workouts. My
tremors came back with a vengeance.
After cutting my prescription medications back to one while on the
essential oils, I’m back up to 5.
Testing has resumed with sometimes disturbing results. I will be visiting with a neurologist in
February.
I have resumed
posting my progress on Facebook, which brings me to the point of this
post. I have often pondered the
following scriptures:
1 Corinthians 12: 7-11
7 But the manifestation of the Spirit is given to every
man to profit withal.
8 For to one is given by the Spirit the word of wisdom;
to another the word of knowledge by the same Spirit;
9 To another faith by the same
Spirit; to another the gifts of healing by the same Spirit;
10 To another the working of miracles; to another prophecy;
to another discerning of spirits; to another divers kinds of tongues; to another the
interpretation of tongues:
11 But all these worketh that one and the selfsame Spirit, dividing
to every man severally as he will.
and…
Doctrine and Covenants 46:11-26
11 For all have not every gift given
unto them; for there are many gifts, and to every man is given a gift by the
Spirit of God.
12 To some is given one, and to some is given another, that all may
be profited thereby.
13 To some it is given by the Holy Ghost to know that
Jesus Christ is the Son of God, and that he was crucified for the sins of the
world.
14 To others it is given to believe on their words, that
they also might have eternal life if they continue faithful.
15 And again, to some it is given by the Holy Ghost to know the differences of
administration, as it will be pleasing unto the same Lord, according as the
Lord will, suiting his mercies according to the conditions of the
children of men.
16 And again, it is given by the Holy Ghost to some to know the
diversities of operations, whether they be of God, that the manifestations of
the Spirit may be given to every man to profit withal.
17 And again, verily I say unto you, to some is given, by the
Spirit of God, the word of wisdom.
18 To another is given the word of knowledge, that all may be
taught to be wise and to have knowledge.
19 And again, to some it is given to have faith to
be healed;
20 And to others it is given to have faith to heal.
21 And again, to some is given the working of miracles;
22 And to others it is given to prophesy;
23 And to others the discerning of spirits.
24 And again, it is given to some to speak with tongues;
25 And to another is given the interpretation of tongues.
26 And all these gifts come from
God, for the benefit of the children of God.
I love these scriptures because, for me, it proves that we
need each other. We each are blessed
with diverse gifts to help and strengthen each other. However, as I ponder these words and words
that others have said to me, I really wish that the Lord had mentioned another gift:
“And to others the faith to endure”. Because sometimes, all the faith in the
world will not cure an illness.
Sometimes, no matter how badly you want to not be sick, no matter how
badly you want to help in all the ways you long to, and even used to be able to
do, that is not the Lord’s will for you.
No matter how good and positive of an attitude you have, your pain will
be excruciating and your tremors will refuse to cease. The Lord said in Ecclesiastes 3:1, “To
every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven.” I embrace, take comfort, and cling
desperately to this scripture, for to me it means that the Lord understands
that I can’t do everything I want to and does not find fault with me for it.
I love and appreciate all of the wonderful people in my life
who show love and concern for me. I
receive a lot of well-intentioned and helpful advice. Please keep it coming! However, as you do please don’t be offended
if I do not act on it right away or put it on the back burner. If you see me doing activities that you don’t
think I should be doing because of my illness, or you feel that I should be placing
priorities elsewhere, understand that being me I will consider your opinion,
but please don’t be offended if I disregard it.
As I spoke to another lovely woman who is facing a serious illness right
now, she was expressing to me how frustrated she was with people not allowing
her to do anything because of her illness.
She still needed to be true to herself; to her spirit. I felt her pain and sympathized with her
deeply. I still need to be me. I still need to serve and perform the specific
duties that the Lord has instilled a passion in me to perform. If you don’t like seeing my posts on Facebook
about my journey, I invite you to unfollow, unfriend, or block me. I promise to not be too hurt (because
admittedly I’m me and it will sting) and to not hold it against you. Through my Facebook posts, I have received
answers, strength, and support that I have desperately needed. I truly value all of my friends and
connections. Thank you for being there
for me.
